A Lover's Lament Page 30

  Devin’s thumb darts out, wiping away what few tears he can catch. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

  “I can’t help it.” I sniff, burying my nose in his chest. “I don’t want you to go. I just got you back.”

  Out of nowhere, my mind drifts to the what ifs that I’ve been trying so hard not to think about. Panic crawls up my throat and I pull back, my eyes landing on Devin’s. The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t get them to come out. Do I tell him that it scares me? That the thought of something happening to him makes me want to go fucking insane?

  “No.” Devin’s voice is low and firm, the complete opposite of his eyes, which are swimming with love. “Don’t go there, Katie. Please don’t go there.”

  “Don’t go where?” My voice is watery and way too shaky. I swipe away the tears running down my face and I suck in a deep breath.

  “It’s written all over your face, baby,” he says, threading a hand through my hair. “And trust me, I get it. The unknown is scary, and there are no guarantees where war is concerned, but if there’s one thing you need to know—one thing that I want you to carry with you—it’s that I will fight like hell to make it back to you.” Devin’s eyes fill with tears. “I’m coming back to you, Katie.”

  I offer him a tremulous smile; it isn’t much, but it’s the best I can do. “Promise me,” I whisper. “Promise me you will do whatever you have to do to come back to me.”

  Devin’s eyes bounce between mine as though he can’t decide exactly how to respond. I know I’m asking for a lot, but I’m desperate, and right now I need the words.

  “Baby.” Sitting up, Devin pulls me onto his lap. The sheet falls around my waist, leaving my body as naked and vulnerable as my heart, but Devin’s eyes don’t stray from mine. He cradles my neck between his warm palms, his thumbs running a soft path along my cheekbones. “I let you down once, and I promise you I won’t let you down again.”

  “Tell me you love me,” I beg, wrapping my hands around his neck, mimicking his hold on me. We’re nose to nose, our breath mingling, and this moment is so incredibly perfect, I don’t want it to end.

  “I love you.” Eyes locked on mine, Devin kisses me softly. “I want you every single day for the rest of my life.” He kisses my nose, followed by each eyelid. “I want to marry you and have babies with you.” His lips trail to my ear. “I want to make love to you every night and wake up to your beautiful face every morning.” Wiping away more of my tears, Devin smiles at me, and it’s that smile combined with these words that bring me peace. “I want to grow old with you, Katie. I want forever.”

  “You mean the world to me, Dev.” I drop my forehead to his and slip my hands to the back of his neck. “I want all of that. What you just said … that’s my dream.”

  “It’s not going to be a dream for long, because in six weeks I’m coming home and we’re going to start building that dream … together.”

  The urge to start building that dream now is so damn strong, and knowing that he’s leaving just drives home the reality that it’s going to be a damn long time until I get to be wrapped in his arms again. “Make love to me,” I whisper.

  Devin growls and slams his mouth to mine at the same time the alarm goes off. We didn’t set it to wake us up; we set it to remind us when Devin needed to get going in time to make his flight. I hate that fucking alarm. Reaching around me, Devin slaps the alarm, effectively shutting it off.

  “Don’t go,” I beg, my nerves taking over. “I need to you to make love to me one more time.” Hurriedly, I pull the sheet off of us and wrap my legs around his waist. My hands roam every inch of his body, because suddenly I need one last chance to memorize everything about it so that when I’m home by myself and I’m missing him, I can pull the memories out and drown myself in them.

  “Slow down, Katie.” Devin wraps his hands around my wrists, then pulls them to his face and kisses them. “We have time, baby. I’m going to make love to you, and then I’m going to drive myself to the airport—”

  What? Is he crazy? Hell no. “No.” I shake my head, brows furrowed. Doesn’t he want to spend as much time with me as he can? Doesn’t he want me there right before he boards the plane? “I want to go with you.”

  “No,” he says, gently nudging me to my back. His larger than life frame hovers above me. “I’m going to show you how much you mean to me, and then I’m going to leave you right here in this bed, sated and happy. That’s the memory of you that I want when I go back to Iraq. I don’t want to see you crying in the airport. I want to see you lying here in this bed, your hair fanned out on the pillow with the sexiest little smile on your lips. Because you do,” he says, kissing my lips, “you get this smile on your face, and it makes me feel fucking fantastic. It makes me feel like, for once in my life, I’ve done something right. And I need to feel that when I leave here.”

  Well, son of a gun, how am I supposed to argue with that? My heart swells and I let my knees drops, allowing Devin to settle between my legs. “So this our goodbye? Right here in bed, instead of at the airport?”

  “We aren’t saying goodbye, Katie. This isn’t goodbye. It’s a promise … remember that dream we just talked about?”

  I nod, feeling him position himself at my entrance.

  “This is a promise that you’re going to be waiting for me when I come home … a promise that we’re going to make those dreams come true.”

  “Do we need to shake on it?” I ask, finally gaining the strength to smile.

  “Oh baby, we’re gonna do more than shake on it.”

  And with those words, Devin pushes inside me.

  Home.

  “Tiger Lily”—Matchbook Romance

  THE HOLLOW ACHE IN THE pit of my stomach is something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. JFK is flooded with mobs of other passengers walking past the barstool I’ve claimed as my own, but I pay no attention to them. I don’t see my fellow bar patrons, because in this moment, right now, I just need to forget.

  I take two shots of Jameson and chase them with a shot of pickle juice. Not wanting to be seen drinking in uniform, I slide the shot glasses as far down the bar as I can. I don’t like disrespecting the uniform and any other time I’d be stronger than this, but leaving Katie was unbearable. There is nothing okay about how I’m feeling right now, and there’s definitely nothing okay about leaving her again. Of all the shitty things I’ve experienced in all the years of my life, this—this right here—takes the cake. This kind of hurt sticks with you; it fucking guts you wide open.

  I wave two fingers toward the bartender and she nods in acknowledgement. She chills two more shots of Jameson and sets them before me, along with the requisite shot of pickle juice. I glance around me, making sure no one is looking, and then down all three in succession before once again sliding them down the bar. I feel like an asshole for drinking these feelings away, but the warm tingle the Jameson creates ripples through my body, just under the skin, and numbs the pain a little.

  I want to call her again. I need her soft voice to help ease this ache in the center of my chest, to help me forget where I’m headed. But I have to remain strong. These feelings can’t take away from me doing my job, getting back to my men and making sure they all get back home. But I can’t help but wonder how in the hell I’m going to do that when I’m leaving the best part of me back with Katie. How will I do it when a shell of a man returns to Baghdad?

  Tilting my wrist, I look at my watch, which is much harder to read now than when I first walked into the bar. Twenty minutes until takeoff. Twenty minutes and I’m that much closer to a world completely opposite of this one. The harsh reality of it pulls the air from my lungs and sits heavy in my throat. I’m choking on the truth.

  I order and down two more shots, pay my bill, and then make my way to the gate, my eyes counting the tiles on the floor as I go.

  Fuck reality.

  By the time I reached Germany, I had gotten drunk, sobered up and gotten drunk again, spendi
ng more money than I’d like to admit and sleeping uncomfortably close to my flight neighbors. I blabbered to them midflight about Katie, our ten years apart, and our four beautiful days together. Somewhere over the Atlantic, several of them bought me shots, which contributed greatly to my absurd level of intoxication. Some of the women listening in bawled their eyes out, and I think at one point I did too.

  As I board the plane to Kuwait, I’m no longer drunk but now have a sharp, shooting pain piercing my temples, eyes, and the base of my skull. The throbbing nearly blinds me and makes the cabin lights seem like halogen lamps burning holes through my retinas. Several of the other uniformed personnel staggering onto the flight look the same way I do—the walking dead lurching their way back to hell.

  I want to cry so badly, but I’ve been fighting back the tears as best I can. Because as much as I try and force my mind to make that transition back to soldier, I can’t fight the truth.

  I need to be home, and Katie is my home.

  As the lights in the cabin flicker off and the plane rumbles forward preparing for takeoff, I think to our last phone call just moments before boarding.

  “Devin?”

  I want to speak, but I don’t think I can. I’m moments away from heading back to a war zone, and all I want is to be back beside her—to continue the amazing journey we’ve restarted. The line sits silent, and each time I try and get a word out, the throbbing in the base of my neck takes over, the tears wanting so badly to pour from my eyes.

  “Devin, baby, I know you’re there. Say something, please … did you make it to Germany?”

  “Katie—” I croak, my voice cutting off involuntarily.

  “Oh, Devin.” I can hear her voice quiver over the line and she sniffles. I feel tears roll down my cheek and quickly wipe them away as I conceal myself in the booth so no one can see. This terminal is full of other military members heading back to the same place I am, and I refuse to show weakness around them, even though weakness is the only thing I feel right now.

  “Yeah, um …” I clear my throat. “I’m a few minutes from heading out.” Swallowing hard, I close my eyes and imagine Katie being right beside me, her arms around my lower back and mine over her shoulders. She comforts me with her words, rocking with me back and forth, back and forth. “Baby, I miss you so fucking much.” My voice cracks on the last word, and I drop my head between my shoulders.

  “God, I miss you too, Devin. I miss you so much.” I can tell she’s crying harder now, and as much as I need her to stop, for the sake of my sanity, there’s something terrifically heart-warming about knowing she misses me just as much as I miss her.

  “Katie, baby, I just want to say that no matter what happens during the rest of my time over there, my four days with you have been the best of my life. I wouldn’t change a second of our time together.”

  I can hear her sobbing on the other end now. “Damn it, Dev,” Katie cries. “You can’t talk like that, you hear me? Ever!”

  I suck in a deep breath, knowing full well that I may never make it back to her. The thought fucking kills me. I hate that I have to leave her again … that I’m making her go through this kind of hurt. “Baby, I’m sorry, I’m just—”

  “No,” she says, cutting me off. Her words are much more composed than just a second ago. “I mean it, Devin. I’m hurting too much already, and I can’t handle that thought.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m hurting too … so, so bad.” Just then, a voice comes over the intercom announcing the boarding of our plane, and my heart sinks.

  “Katie—”

  “I know, baby.”

  “I love you so fucking much.” I wish there was another word for love, because this is so much more. What I feel for this girl can’t be put into words.

  “I love you too, Dev, more than you’ll ever know. Call me as soon as you can, okay?”

  “I will, sweet girl. Bye.”

  “Bye, baby.”

  The click and dial tone hit me like a punch to the gut. I want to lie here and lick my wounds, but there’s a job to be done. And even though I can’t fathom the thought of getting on this fucking plane, let alone leading men in battle, I’m going to do it.

  The screech of the landing gear against the pavement jars me awake. I have to sit for a moment to process where I am. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I look around but can’t make out much of anything in the darkness of the cabin. I peek out the window and notice the tarmac lights dominating the night sky, a desert wasteland decorating its backdrop.

  Baghdad.

  Fuck me.

  My guys welcomed me back warmly and filled me in on the uneventful past four days. I have to admit that it did lift my spirits being back with them. They are my brothers, and if I can’t be with Katie, being with my guys is the next best thing.

  It’s been weeks since my return, and although it’s been difficult, the importance of our work here and the well-being of my soldiers help to ease the pain of missing her. Thankfully, most days I’m too busy to let it dominate my head.

  I call Katie every chance I get, and we’ve even started chatting via webcam. Lord knows I couldn’t go six weeks without laying eyes on her beautiful face. While I’d rather have her with me, being able to see her makes things a lot easier.

  Fighting for computer use, on the other hand, has been a pain in my ass. But I’ve learned to bring a book with me to help get me through the wait. Which is why I’m currently seated outside the closed communications center door reading The Notebook, doing my best to conceal the cover. Katie insisted I read it, and I’ll admit I was a little skeptical at first, but Noah and Allie have managed to capture my attention. I’ve found myself imagining it’s the two of us instead, and I’ve even laughed a few times, because when I think about the journey Katie and I have been on to get where we are, it almost feels like a love story in and of itself. Like a novel that was destined to be, set in place long before either of us were even born. She and I were made for each other, and it blows my mind that I couldn’t look past my own stubborn ways to see that long before now.

  The opening of the communications center door grabs my attention and I quickly close the book, hiding it in my cargo pocket while rising to my feet. Adams comes through the doorway and winks at me, motioning toward his dick.

  “All yours, buddy!” He cackles and pats me hard on the back.

  “Hey, man, thanks a lot for taking our shift tonight. We got you guys next time.”

  “No problem. I know you’d do it for me.” He slaps my hand before exiting. I make my way inside, shut the door and take a seat at the computer. The anticipation is a fucking rush. It overwhelms my senses and sends pulses throughout my body. I love getting to see her beautiful, smiling face staring back at me and hearing that sweet, melodic laugh.

  The webcam pops up and I send a request to Katie, then wait impatiently for her to answer. It rings for longer than I would expect, and I can’t help but worry that something’s come up. I’d be heartbroken if that’s the case. The whole reason I switched shifts with Adams was because I wanted to see Katie, and this was the only time that worked for her. I mean, my guys did want the night off and all, but it definitely helped me out.

  The flicker of the screen and Katie’s face popping up sends a wave of exhilaration over me. I feel like a fucking kid on Christmas morning.

  “Devin!” She smiles wide and blows me a kiss. “How are you, babe?”

  “God damn, I’m better now!” I laugh.

  “How was it today?” She knows I won’t tell her the whole truth. I don’t want her to worry about me more than she already does, but I also don’t want to lie to her.

  “It wasn’t too bad actually. This neighborhood has been getting out of control, and there seems to be a shitload of resentment between the Sunnis and Shiites. They just fucking hate each other…” My voice trails off and my eyes stray from the screen. I don’t like talking about this stuff with her, not when I’m so far away and I can’t be there to ease her concern
. “It’s been pretty quiet though. I think we’re making headway. There’s talk there might be an increase in soldiers out here, so that’s good.”

  “Is it?” she says and almost immediately covers her face with her hands. “Sorry, Devin, I didn’t mean that. I just want you home is all, and the news…” She stops herself by taking her bottom lip between her teeth. I love when she does that.

  “No, baby, you’re okay. I mean, it’s not like I don’t think about that stuff, you know that. I just hate seeing my guys overworked … getting in from mission, sleeping for a few hours and then getting called right back out. It’s wearing them out.” She nods, appearing to digest my words. Katie is so patient in conversation, always attentive and waiting for people to completely finish what they have to say before she contributes. I’ve always been attracted to that in a woman, and I smile widely as I think about it.

  “Wait”—she giggles—“what’s going on in that brain of yours?”

  “Just you. I love you, you know that?”

  “Forever and ever?”

  “Forever and ever, babe,” I say, winking at her. Moments like these are when video just isn’t enough. I want to pull her into my arms, wrap her in warmth and kiss her passionately. I feel throbbing in my dick and unintentionally form a devious smile.

  “Now what are you thinking about?” she purrs, her words thick with that playful yet sexy tone she uses when she really wants to get me worked up.

  “What I think about twenty-four-seven is all. No biggie,” I say, laughing and readjusting my cock.

  “I saw that!” she squeals. “Does somebody want to come out and play?”

  “Don’t fuck with me, Kit Kat.” I force the smile from my face and give her my best tough guy look, the one that brings grown men to their knees. Katie just smiles.